6 True Confessions of a Junk Food Junkie
Upon review of last week’s blog post here at Writing in the Buff, it became apparent that my relationship with snack foods might be a teensy bit too passionate. In fact, I’ll even go so far as to admit that I have a willpower problem where food is concerned. Simply put, I’m an eater.
Yes, buttercup, I love to eat. When we go to breakfast I try to stick to the healthy stuff like oatmeal with a side of fruit, but that’s tough to order when every cell in my body screams for scrambled eggs, bacon, hash browns, toast, and a couple of blueberry pancakes buried in butter with a dollop of syrup on the side. Who knew that at my age one of my biggest life challenges would be having enough discipline to order a healthy breakfast? And then there is the actual topic of this post: junk food.
I’m not a junk food junkie in the sense of fast food noshing. I can’t even remember the last time I stepped into a McDonald’s or Arby’s. My junk food preferences fall squarely into the salty/sweet category: potato chips, chocolate, ice cream, mozzarella sticks, chips & salsa, cheese puffs, etc. If it looks like something that might show up on the food table at a teenager’s birthday party, I probably like it.
Keeping the bad stuff out of my cupboards helps a bit. Open my pantry and you’ll see canned goods. There are no chips, no cookies, no Little Debbie boxes full of yummy goodness. The only treats in my house are the dogs’ Beggin’ Strips and the cat’s Temptations. I’ve not yet been desperate enough to give those a try, but never say never. *hangs head*
Reflecting on my long history with junk food, I got the bright idea to share a “coming clean” list of confessions. In doing so, I came to the realization that: a) I probably share too much personal information here; and b) a psychologist would have a field day. In any event, here are my junk food True Confessions (don’t judge):
True Confession #1: I once ate an entire sheet cake all by myself.
In my defense, it was red velvet, which is my favorite, made to perfection by a young lady intent on opening her own bakery. I ordered the cake from her for my youngest daughter’s high school graduation. Only a few people wanted a piece of cake, which left almost the entire thing sitting in the fridge with my name on it. Well, technically, it had my daughter’s name on it, but we share DNA, so close enough. At least I didn’t eat it all in one sitting. But over the course of about five days, that baby was done. Urp.
True Confession #2: I once cut open an empty potato chip bag to lick it clean.
There’s not much to say about this. I can only hang my head in shame.
True Confession #3: I used to hide snacks so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
Be honest. If you have kids, then you’ve done this too. You know how it goes. You stop at the grocery store for dinner items and walk out with a quarter pound bag of M&Ms. It’s a long a way home, lots of stop lights, and damned if you haven’t had a rough day. And it’s been hours since lunch! So you open the bag. Not to eat a lot of M&Ms. Just enough to get you home, you know? It wouldn’t do to have your blood sugar plummet while driving. Why, that might cause an accident. So you need those M&Ms to get home safely. And once you pull into the driveway, well, that’s when you realize the truth: Your kids don’t need sugary snacks! The dentist said so! What were you thinking? So in the best interests of your offspring you hide the M&Ms. And then, of course, you must eat the M&Ms so they are no longer in the house. A mother must protect her children. Oh, the sacrifice!
True Confession #4: I ate an entire quarter pound of M&Ms in one sitting.
*sigh* It was an act of love. (See True Confession #3.)
True Confession #5: If there are no snacks available and I’m desperate to nosh, I become the most creative cook on the planet.
Pantry empty? Fridge bare? Never fear! Just give me a moment to find my cape . . . er, apron . . . and I instantly become—*drumroll*—Snacksamillion Woman, able to leap empty cupboards in a single bound and turn nothing much into a boy-does-it-taste-good-right-now-but-you’ll-hate-yourself-later kind of snack. It’s a talent, really.
Long, long ago in a galaxy far away, and out of desperation on a Friday night, I melted a stick of butter, mixed it with confectioner’s sugar, vanilla extract, rum, added chopped pecans, and divided it into teaspoon-size balls which I stuck in the fridge for thirty minutes. Voila! The hubster had no idea I created it on the fly, and after a couple glasses of merlot those little buttery-sweet-rum things tasted pretty damn good.
In an effort to save myself from myself I’ve sworn off confectioner’s sugar, but as Captain Jack Sparrow might say . . .
True Confession #6: I live by the belief that if each individual piece of popcorn isn’t dripping, then you need more butter.
Our local movie theater back in Georgia has a condiment station near the food counter where patrons may pump butter onto their own popcorn. Okay, full disclosure: It isn’t real butter. It’s a buttery-like substance. But it tastes like butter. That’s the important thing to remember here. Anyway, yours truly would arrive with a gallon-sized ZipLock baggie—I’m ashamed to say I’m not making any of this up—so I could ensure every bit of popcorn was slathered. We’d order a bag of popcorn and I’d dump half of it into the baggie, pump the faux butter all over it as well as the remaining bagged popcorn, close ’em both up, and shake! Mmm . . . salty, buttery, and delicious. Every. Single. Bite. (I know, I know. Unhealthy. Shhh.)
So now you know my worst junk food confessions. There are more, so many more, but there isn’t a blog post long enough to cover all my transgressions. Still, you may be happy to know that these days I’m much better than I used to be. Most of our snacks are healthy and I rarely invent unhealthy yummies anymore. The hubster is more likely to get a bag of carrots and celery with his Friday night merlot than a junk food snack. A big bag of potato chips is no longer a staple, but a treat. I’m still an eater, but a healthy eater these days.
Most of the time.
Look, now. Nobody’s perfect.
What about you? Perhaps junk food isn’t your thing. Maybe you’re a book-a-holic or a cosmetics junkie. Yes? No? C’mon, buttercup. Tell the Naked Truth and share your True Confession in the comments—it’ll be good for your soul!
Thanks for hanging out with me. See you next week for more of the Naked Truth!
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