Lisa Ricard Claro – Author

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Inbraceration: The Saga Continues

Posted on Jul 13, 2011 by Lisa Ricard Claro   23 Comments | Posted in braces · inbraceration · orthodontist
Clip art courtesy of

Inbraceration (noun): 1. To imprison the teeth with ouch-inspiring braces. 2. The period of time during which stinky old braces must be worn. Example: “Thank goodness the first seven months are over, but I must still wear these dangblasted things for nine more months.”

It has been seven months since my first trip to the Chair of Doom, and the sadistic bastard cheerful orthodontist in charge of my teeth tells me I have nine months left. He says this as if it were as easy as settling in for a mani/pedi at the Lotus Flower spa.
Let me tell you something, buttercup. Any mother knows the truth. Nine months can take forever to pass when you’re waiting to deliver something. In this case, the delivery is rotated and adjusted teeth. To say I’m eager for the blessed event doesn’t even come close to reality.
Consider:  When the wires and bands are changed, the teeth are forced to shift without regard for the fact that they have rooted with contentment in their original position for decades. They don’t want to move. They’re happy. . .comfy, even.  Movement? Not without resistance, baby. 
It takes effort to combat that resistance. Yesterday I spent ninety minutes having my teeth pushed, pulled, and ground; a ceramic bracket was removed and re-positioned. Do you know how brackets are removed, buttercup? They are gripped with a wrench-like tool and ripped from the surface of the tooth! (For the love of God, can’t someone invent a solvent for orthodontic glue?
Then there’s the visual effects. My two front teeth are so out of sync after my “adjustment” yesterday that my daughter is calling me Billy-Bob. (Everyone’s a freaking comedian around here.) My orthodontist is a genius (as was his mentor, the Marquis de Sade) so I know from experience this orthodontic adjustment wacky-tooth syndrome will right itself superbly over the next eight weeks, and I’ll be that much closer to “delivery.” In the meantime, however, I’ve got a tag that says “Redneck Woman.”
Now that the whining is out of my system, I can embrace my usual optimistic outlook. And there is always an upside, right? For instance, as sore as my mouth is I must consume food that needn’t be chewed.  Say it with me:  chocolate, ice cream, frozen yogurt, wine, chocolate, smoothies, chocolate, Popsicles, toffee latte, wine and chocolate, to name just a few. And actually, my teeth are really aching right now, so probably a square of Hershey’s chocolate and a nice glass of wine will, you know, ease the pain.
Hey, don’t judge me. Cravings are normal for someone working on a nine month delivery.
See you next for Book Blurb Friday!

23 Responses to "Inbraceration: The Saga Continues"

  1. Comment by Sarah
    July 13, 2011 at 5:12 am  

    This post gave me chills (so … good job!). A toffee latte would be great right about now. Good luck–like with delivering a baby, I hope you'll forget all the pain after you have a lovely, straight set of gorgeous teeth!

  2. Comment by Lisa Ricard Claro
    July 13, 2011 at 5:43 am  

    Thanks Sarah! My braces weren't a cosmetic choice, but a "you need to do this or else…" *sigh* I know 9 more months isn't much. That won't stop me from grumbling, though!

  3. Comment by Sioux
    July 13, 2011 at 8:08 am  

    The best thing to do after an orthodontic adjustment is this: hold a bottle of Hershey's syrup over your head, take off the lid, and squeeze into your mouth. The syrup will "lube" any still-rough spots, and the liquidity of the Hershey's will not disturb any of the orthodontic apparatus.

  4. Comment by Lisa Ricard Claro
    July 13, 2011 at 8:24 am  

    Sioux my dear friend, I have always suspected you are brilliant. Now I'm certain of it. 🙂

  5. Comment by Laraine Eddington
    July 13, 2011 at 10:21 am  

    Having gone through the whole horrible process as a teenager, I actually need it again, but you are braver than I. You have my profound admiration and sympathy.

  6. Comment by BECKY
    July 13, 2011 at 11:02 am  

    Talk about brilliant..(as in yes, I agree about Sioux!)…YOU m'dear also fall into that category. This is one of your best blog posts EVER! And that's saying a lot! Brilliant and hilarious!! Although I'm sorry about your pain, ahhhh, look at all those yummy foods/drinks you can consume! And it IS just like being pregnant. You can eat all you want and you will miraculously lose all the extra weight after you lose the braces! 🙂

  7. Comment by Vanilla Mama
    July 13, 2011 at 11:04 am  

    Chocolate and wine fix everything! You are too funny!

  8. Comment by Oregon Gifts of Comfort and Joy
    July 13, 2011 at 11:09 am  

    Dang, Lisa. I've never had braces, though my kids have. I'll have more empathy for brace peeps from now on. I'm glad that you have the wine and chocolate to fall back on. Especially the wine.Oh, my dad used to tell us, "Don't worry, it will stop hurting when the pain goes away." And, it always did!Kathy M.

  9. Comment by Lisa Ricard Claro
    July 13, 2011 at 11:12 am  

    Laraine – Thank you. I cannot imagine doing this more than once (although I know folks who have). One thing is certain. When my youngest wore braces I didn't give her anywhere near enough sympathy.Becky – Thanks. I'd like to say that your enjoyment makes the pain worthwhile, but I'd be lying through my inbracerated teeth. LOL Glad you enjoyed it, though!Vanilla Mama – It is amazing the improvement a little chocolate and wine can add to any circumstance. Marie Antoinette would never have lost her head if she had said, "Let them eat chocolate."

  10. Comment by Sally
    July 13, 2011 at 12:28 pm  

    Sorry for the pain but it does make for funny copy. I'll leave you with these words of wisdom, "And this, too, shall pass." Have a great week.

  11. Comment by Lisa Ricard Claro
    July 13, 2011 at 4:32 pm  

    Haha…thanks Sally!

  12. Comment by Tammy
    July 13, 2011 at 5:36 pm  

    I feel your pain so much that I too am forced to go in search of chocolate! I agree–this is as brilliant as your other imbraceration post. May your confinement go swiftly!

  13. Comment by Not Just Another Mother Blogger!
    July 13, 2011 at 5:59 pm  

    I had to go through all this when I was a kid, except I had to have the 'headgear' to correct my overbite, too. I feel your pain, because I am experiencing post-traumatic flashbacks!

  14. Comment by Lynn
    July 13, 2011 at 8:21 pm  

    Ugh that sounds awful. I think I'd rather have not so straight teeth 🙂 And love the cartoon! You are so funny though.

  15. Comment by Lisa Ricard Claro
    July 13, 2011 at 11:01 pm  

    Yay Tammy! We can justify anything in the name of chocolate, can't we? LOLNJAMB – Headgear?! Oh, just shoot me! I'd never survive headgear, too! Lynn – Well, having straight teeth is just a perk. The braces were necessary for bite reasons.

  16. Comment by Ms.Daisy
    July 13, 2011 at 11:21 pm  

    Oh,Lisa, I am so sorry for your pain…but this is a hilarious post. I am with you on this though, when my oldest daughter had braces, I really didn't know what she was going through (and she had the headgear also.)~Jean

  17. Comment by Lisa Ricard Claro
    July 14, 2011 at 12:15 am  

    Jean – My daughter had braces a few years ago, and I'm always apologizing to her now. I didn't offer enough sympathy. She made it look so easy!

  18. Comment by Michael G-G
    July 14, 2011 at 2:11 am  

    You are brave, Lisa.My son (entering 9th grade) has had braces since 4th grade. He has been a real trooper. (I've never had braces, so have been guilty of not being overly sympathetic at times. You have shown me the way!)

  19. Comment by jabblog
    July 14, 2011 at 7:01 am  

    Ouch! Gin and tonic works, too:-) and at least you are allowed to drink, unlike in pregnancy;-)

  20. Comment by K9friend
    July 14, 2011 at 7:56 am  

    I love your choice of comfort foods. Relax and enjoy!

  21. Comment by irishoma
    July 14, 2011 at 8:44 am  

    Poor baby. Have you tried coquovin (sp?)? It's chocolate flavored wine–and very good.Donna

  22. Comment by Lisa Ricard Claro
    July 14, 2011 at 11:00 pm  

    Michael – From 4th to 9th? I'm genuflecting. The kid is Superman!Jabblog – Hehe…I'll have to give that a try. For medicinal purposes only, of course. :)Pat – Well, I threw a smoothie in there, and those have fruit in them, so that's a healthy one, right? LOLDonna – Actually, we did buy some of that chocolate wine. It reminded be of Baileys (by which I mean, it was yummy.)

  23. Comment by Joanne
    July 15, 2011 at 10:16 pm  

    My teeth hurt just reading this! I know you are hurting , but this post was hilarious! Hope you feel better soon! Blessings, Joanne

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