Mama’s Little Helpers
|The Red Queen – Tim Burton’s “Alice in Wonderland.”|
It’s time for a little grumbling about the onset of middle age, an occasionally recurrent theme here at Writing in the Buff. Not too much grousing, just enough to improve my outlook about the whole thing. And since I’m sitting here with a glass of Sutter Home Sweet Red wine and a hunk of chocolate the size of Texas and still complaining, you know it’s been one of those days.
To begin with, I plucked two gray hairs from my brows this morning. Gray. Not a big deal, plenty more dark ones to fill in the blanks, you say. Not so, buttercup. My eyebrows are defecting at a light-speed rate. By the time the year is up I’ll look like the Red Queen from Tim Burton’s “Alice in Wonderland.” And losing my brows, as sad as it is, would be tolerable if the damn things would permanently disappear, but they don’t. They hide for a few days then sprout from my chin.
Okay, so, because I’m by nature a happy person, I pushed past the gray eyebrow thing and continued with my morning routine. Except the jeans that fit me a week ago wouldn’t button across my muffin-top.
And when did I develop a muffin-top anyway? Is this some sort of sick joke?
You know, Mama always told me, “Honey, turning 50+ isn’t so bad. Your boobs will grow!” She never warned me that everything else would grow exponentially. Had I known a C-cup meant trading up a size in my Levi’s I would have happily retained my little friends in their original form. There’s no going back now, I’m afraid. Every time I lose a pound or two, instead of springing back into place my skin pays homage to Babar the Elephant. And as frightening as that is around the thighs, I don’t even want to think about my boobs on a weight loss program. Holy deflating dirigible, Batman!
So I deep-sixed the jeans and opted for a sundress. God bless sundresses. Cool in the summer and loose enough that the muffin-top is invisible, long enough to hide the spider vein thighs. And just think about that for a second, will you? Let’s total this up: Gray hairs migrating from brows to chin, muffin-top, spider veins and elephant skin. And I’m expected to leave the house in the morning? My whole body is becoming a cornucopia of extraneous elements. An escape hatch is in order.
Which leads me back to my Sutter Home Sweet Red and chocolate. Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinking. My little helpers probably contributed to the muffin-top. Well, it can’t be helped. Sometimes you’ve just got to take one for the team, you know?
Alla nostra salute.
See you next time for the naked truth about . . . ?
Enjoy your week!