Lisa Ricard Claro – Author

Romance is good for your heart!

Market Madness!

Posted on Feb 17, 2010 by Lisa Ricard Claro   10 Comments | Posted in grandma · grocery · papa

Of all the things I dislike, grocery shopping tops my list.  Given a choice between an hour at the market and, say, going to the dentist, I will choose the dentist.  Heck, if it were possible, I’d find pregnant women and offer to endure labor and delivery in their stead if they would just do my grocery shopping.

First, grocery stores blow icy air year around.  I’ve been warmer while shoveling snow.  Can’t they come up with some other way to keep the produce fresh? And how about when they move things?  For years my favorite cereal was in aisle two, second shelf from the bottom.  Then one day—poof!—the cereal is gone, replaced by Meow Mix.  Meow Mix may be lower in calories than Raisin Bran, but I bet it has half the fiber.  I’m an old bagger.  I need my fiber.

When I was 5-years-old I disobeyed my Grandma at the market and picked up a jar of pickles.  Have you ever seen how far pickle juice spatters when the glass jar shatters? Really far, y’all. The grocery clerk who came to clean up the mess glared at me with devil eyes that glowed red.  Is it any wonder I suffered trauma? (Grandma told Mama that she dropped the pickle jar.  Mama raised her eyebrow at me and gave me the scary mom face, so I know she knew better, but she couldn’t spank Grandma and we both knew it.  God bless Grandma.) 

Wednesday is shopping day at our house because it is senior citizen discount day at the local Publix.  No, buttercup, I don’t qualify (yet), but Papa does.  He always asks the check-out clerk: “Did you give me my old guy’s discount?”  They love him.  They’d triple the discount for Papa if they could get away with it which may be why he actually enjoys grocery shopping. 

Anyway, today was shopping day and when Papa and I ran out of room in our cart we decided to check out.  Two lanes were lit, and one was a ten-items-or-less lane devoid of shoppers.  The other lane bloomed with a queue of elderly people leaning against overflowing carts, eager for their senior discount.  The grocery manager saw the traffic jam, called for backup, and directed us to the empty ten-items-or-less lane.  Within thirty seconds, every person in the store with ten-items-or-less decided to check out.  Behind me now were no less than six people glaring with the same devil red eyes as the clerk who cleaned up the pickle mess.  Their look clearly said, “What part of ten-items-or-less do you not understand, you idiot? Ten or less! Ten or less!”

I mumbled an apology and blamed the grocery manager.  “He told me to check out here!”  They raised their brows and gave me the scary mom look alternately with the devil glare.

Grocery stores seem like benign places.  They draw you in with bakery smells and the promise of big sales on potato chips, but I know the truth.  And now, so do you.

Til next time –

10 Responses to "Market Madness!"

  1. Comment by BECKY
    February 18, 2010 at 12:51 am  

    Hi Lisa! Loved this! My husband also refers to "it" as the "old guy discount"! I knew I was becoming more like my dear, departed mom when I began to complain that the grocery stores were way too big nowadays, and I wished they were like the little old IGA we used to have in our neighborhood! 🙂

  2. Comment by Lisa Ricard Claro
    February 18, 2010 at 6:25 am  

    I remember IGA! Where I grew up we also had a Piggly Wiggly. I liked to shop there just because the name sounded so friendly. If all their patrons were 5-years-old they'd be the largest market chain in America.

  3. Comment by Carrie
    February 18, 2010 at 8:56 am  

    You are too funny…read this at work today and when I got to the part "Ten or less! Ten or less!” I laughed so hard…I think everyone in my office thinks I'm crazy or they know I am reading stuff on the internet while working…well better get back to work and keep my job … have a great week!

  4. Comment by Lisa Ricard Claro
    February 18, 2010 at 11:50 pm  

    It is funny now, but yesterday I was breaking out in hives. There were some scary people at Publix yesterday! I kind of felt like Stephanie Plum when her car blows up: "It wasn't my fault!" LOL

  5. Comment by Linda O'Connell
    February 21, 2010 at 7:10 pm  

    Hi Lisa,I found your web site on Cathy's blog. I like your humorous writing style and would like to invite you to check out my blog at and become a follower. Wish I were in Georgia or anyplace within driving distance of the beach.

  6. Comment by Lisa Ricard Claro
    February 21, 2010 at 8:33 pm  

    Hi Linda, and welcome! Glad you like what you read here. I'll definitely check out your blog. We writers have to stick together!

  7. Comment by Ladyluck
    February 23, 2010 at 3:28 pm  

    All true. One of my most dreaded aspects of grocery shopping is the eerie music that sounds like something right out of a Quentin Tarantino movie…horrible renditions of Barry Manilow songs that don't get better with age!

  8. Comment by Linda O'Connell
    February 23, 2010 at 5:42 pm  

    Lisa, did you know that we are both published in CS for Beach Lover's Soul?

  9. Comment by Lisa Ricard Claro
    February 23, 2010 at 8:35 pm  

    Lisa L – you are right, and how did you know?? A few weeks ago after a grocery trip I spent three days singing Copa Cabana! "Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl…"

  10. Comment by Lisa Ricard Claro
    February 23, 2010 at 8:39 pm  

    Linda – we're both beach babes! Interesting that we shared space between the covers of the CS book. I'll make a point of reading your story. You mentioned your love of the beach once before, and I share it. My son lives in Sarasota, Florida and I love having a reason to head that way. Nothing like the ocean, day or night, to awe and inspire.

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